Light Shines on Infinitively

GRIEFLIKEWAVES

 

The days and weeks that have followed the loss of my Son have been heart crushingly painful, but nothing less than transforming. What I’ve confirmed is; the bond between a Mother and Son can never ever go away, nor will my wanting to protect him.

We learned early on that Christopher planned his exit for months. His sensitive soul and brilliant intelligence could not handle being in this realm any longer. He was not clinically depressed nor did he have Bi-Polar disorder. He, like the vast majority, one time or another in our lives, felt loneliness and unhappiness, but never once did he give any inclination of his plan to his family or closest friends, in order to prevent any efforts of intervention.

He gave an adequate resignation notice to his employer and co-workers, much to their surprise and sadness. He gave a month notice to his landlord telling her he was moving out of town. He cleaned his apartment, he boxed and labeled all of his belongings and listed how he wanted his things and study materials to be distributed.

He carefully learned how to pass on quickly, without pain or struggle. He was thoughtful and methodical.

In his written words, just moments before he took his own life, he did not want to be judged. He didn’t want those of us left behind to go down a path of anger, sadness or self–destruction following his decision. He couldn’t wait to see what’s next.

Christopher was not a religious person. He never agreed with the “conformity and politics” of religion. However, he was spiritual. He knew there was something bigger than this life. He inspired, he created, he worked hard and he loved.

This life will not be the same, but life does go on. The light he brought into my life, will continue to shine. I have no choice now but to trust this journey and trust in a definitive purpose.

All values from zero to infinity are less than love.

21 Comments Light Shines on Infinitively

  1. Trisha August 31, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart! He will be dearly missed!

    Reply
  2. Kalhie August 31, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    Wow. That is amazing and very heartbreaking. I never thought I would understand. I do. There is something after this physical. He understood what takes most a lifetime to find. Thank you for sharing. Your family is in my energy path. Love and light my friend, love and light.

    Q ~

    Reply
    1. Lisa WilsonLisa Wilson September 1, 2015 at 1:56 am

      Thank you Kahlie. Big love to you.

      Reply
  3. lori August 31, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    That was soooo heartfelt, soulfelt! Beautiful! I shed tears of sadness and joy for you and for him. He will infinetly live on and you will too. Thank you for so elequently sharing him and yourself with us so that we may live life with more understanding of death and saying goodbye to someone we love so much. I love you dear friend, sister. WE all have the capacity to be light in the world or darkness and you shine oh so bright!

    Reply
  4. Karen August 31, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Beautiful, Lisa. Having gone through this by your side, I could not find the words. But this, this is perfect. Spot on…

    Reply
  5. Jennifer August 31, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    Thank you for sharing your words, inner thoughts and Christopher’s perspective on passing in your blog. I must say, Wayne Dyer would also be proud.

    Reply
  6. Jennifer August 31, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    My Dear Friend Lisa. You have honored your son beautifully. May the love that you feel from him grow ever brighter. You are the Sun and continue to share your bright light even in the darkest hours. I am inspired by you every day. You are an amazing woman who radiates love. What a gift you are. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts through this process, and may the understanding and purpose reveal itself sooner than later. Love, peace, grace and healing to you always.

    Reply
  7. Jay August 31, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Wow beautifully written, love, understanding and strength ! I am in awe of your words, of your ability to understand, never truly accept bit believe in a better place for you both. I am at a lose of words but to say love and friends will see you through this, that we don’t always understand but at least you have some knowledge of why.
    We can only send you our love hope and wishes for you,.
    Keep taking pictures, keep your music, keep your spirt you will always be a mother who gave love and inspiration !
    We send our love to you! J

    Reply
  8. sherrill lewis September 1, 2015 at 1:39 am

    Omg Lisa I had no idea! I AM So Sorry FOR YOUR loss ! YOU Know As Parents WE ARE Always There FOR Our Children As Much As THE Will allow! You are a wonderful person and mother! Obviously he was in so much pain and only knew one way out! You have to know he loved his mom!

    Reply
  9. Autumn Veggian September 1, 2015 at 2:30 am

    That was beautifully said about Christopher. I never understood what you feel now until I had my own babies. You are a shining light in something that is usually dark. I can’t imagine being in your shoes right now. But know this, he always loved you, his mom, and always told us about how special you were to him, even when we were teenagers. Thank you for sharing and I hope that faith and love stay with you always.

    Reply
    1. Lisa WilsonLisa Wilson September 1, 2015 at 2:37 am

      Oh Autumn. This means so much. Thank you. It does my heart good to hear from his friends. Love Lisa

      Reply
  10. Lisa WilsonLisa Wilson September 1, 2015 at 2:39 am

    Thank you everyone for this outpour of love. It means so much to have you a part of this healing. I’m forever grateful. Love you all.

    Reply
  11. Arianne September 1, 2015 at 4:55 am

    It brought so many feelings up to read this. It is beautiful, yet painful. I can only imagine the grief of losing a child….yet, have lost a few friends this same way. I understand it. It hurts, but it is their truth. Thier reality. Their choice. It has nothing to do with US. Everyone’s experiences are unique and different from one another’s.
    People can get upset or angry over someone’s decision to exit in this manner….but truthfully: the “outside” doesn’t really know the inner pains or struggles that your son was going through or feeling. What I have learned-is that when someone is hurting to this degree & choose not to seek guidance or reach out for “help”….thier only option is relief. This is the end of their pain & onto another realm of peace.
    We are all surrounding you with Love & Light💙

    Reply
  12. Tammy Matson September 1, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    Oh sweet sweet Lisa….beautifully written

    Reply
  13. Anna Lane September 1, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing. Beautifully written. Hugs!

    Reply
  14. Saundra Skrove September 2, 2015 at 1:42 am

    Lisa, my thoughts are with you and you have written a beautiful and inspiring dialogue of your sons life and death.
    Death is a part of life and sometimes, much to early. I have experienced the pain of loss this way several times and
    it is hard not to place blame on oneself and suffer greatly from what we ultimately endure. You have put it in prospective and I firmly believe that the time and place to exist this life is truly our own. He sounds like he was a wonderful and thoughtful person and I truly sympathize in your loss. Sondy

    Reply
  15. Barbara September 2, 2015 at 3:40 am

    Lisa, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Any of us could lose a child/loved one, but how many could face it with such Grace and love as you are? Sending you love and pray you have peace in your heart.

    Reply
  16. Kingsya September 2, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you for sharing Lisa, and including all of us in the growth and healing process.

    Reply
  17. Cathy September 3, 2015 at 3:26 am

    What a beautiful tribute! Your strength and resilience are inspiring Lisa!

    Reply
  18. Cisco Romero September 4, 2015 at 10:45 pm

    Amazing Lisa. Just amazing. We can never fully understand this kind of departure but we can, I think, learn from it.

    Reply
  19. Connie Saunders, Robin's Aunt September 5, 2015 at 12:51 am

    Lisa I didn’t know your son, but knowing you he had to be something special. You are a very strong woman and such a loving and caring mother. Christopher was a lucky man to have you in his world. God has a special place for both of you. I hope your heart is filled with the hope of being with your son once again. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us!!

    Reply

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