The days and weeks that have followed the loss of my Son have been heart crushingly painful, but nothing less than transforming. What I’ve confirmed is; the bond between a Mother and Son can never ever go away, nor will my wanting to protect him.
We learned early on that Christopher planned his exit for months. His sensitive soul and brilliant intelligence could not handle being in this realm any longer. He was not clinically depressed nor did he have Bi-Polar disorder. He, like the vast majority, one time or another in our lives, felt loneliness and unhappiness, but never once did he give any inclination of his plan to his family or closest friends, in order to prevent any efforts of intervention.
He gave an adequate resignation notice to his employer and co-workers, much to their surprise and sadness. He gave a month notice to his landlord telling her he was moving out of town. He cleaned his apartment, he boxed and labeled all of his belongings and listed how he wanted his things and study materials to be distributed.
He carefully learned how to pass on quickly, without pain or struggle. He was thoughtful and methodical.
In his written words, just moments before he took his own life, he did not want to be judged. He didn’t want those of us left behind to go down a path of anger, sadness or self–destruction following his decision. He couldn’t wait to see what’s next.
Christopher was not a religious person. He never agreed with the “conformity and politics” of religion. However, he was spiritual. He knew there was something bigger than this life. He inspired, he created, he worked hard and he loved.
This life will not be the same, but life does go on. The light he brought into my life, will continue to shine. I have no choice now but to trust this journey and trust in a definitive purpose.
All values from zero to infinity are less than love.